last laugh

It has been a good day.

This morning arrived on the sound of gentle raindrops dancing across the leaves outside my window. It was delightfully dreamy, but the busyness of the day called to me and I answered its call. Sliding my feet from between the soft, red sheets I plodded into the day with my eyes half shut. No time for drinking in the beauty of simplicity in the quietness, on the table was a long list that pulled my mind and body in different directions.

A few hours into my day, and after wishing that I had taken some quiet moments with Jesus before I started in on the day, I stood in the kitchen defeated. My pancakes were burnt, my long list seemed to have grown longer overnight, my heart was frustrated, my toddler was crying, my husband was annoyed. I was quite sure that the enemy of my soul was taking delight in this discord and the joylessness of my heart. Convinced that the rest of the day was completely ruined, I sat down with a piece of peanut butter toast (my burnt pancake replacement) at the table with my family and let out a great sigh.

Never one to let my heart wallow in the mire of sadness for long, my dear husband found lightness and joy in our little breakfast. He is the master of sound effects and helped Evie eat bite after bite of cows, chainsaws and bumblebees. He teased me about me. He laughed in the face of frustration and unmet expectation with confidence. And he invited me to sit back and enjoy the ride I hopped on when I climbed out of bed this morning- the ride called "today."

And then the day unfolded...more busyness, laughter, reponsibilities, tiredness, conversation, meals, family, the clever words and the singong voice of a 2 year old and the haunting cries of loons across the lake. And here we are, watching Don Knotts climb the staircase in  a haunted mansion as Kyle snores on the floor at my feet. And as the darkness settles in around me I smile as I enjoy the last laugh.

sweet things

I love summer. I love summer so much that I would want to marry it (if I wasn't already taken, that is).

Summer is...the sounds of life floating in my open window on a warm breeze, the smell of sunshine on my baby's skin, walking barefoot through the grass, beads of water dancing on flower petals in my garden, vegetables fresh from the vine and warm from the sun, the taste of lemonade, laundry hanging on the line, butterflies, driving with my windows down and the wind in my hair. It is beauty for all I touch, taste, see and hear.

And so August arrives. I fight my inclination to let the days slip away in my mind, to feel a sense of dread at the coming seasons. How I long to live in the moment, to take today for what it is...the sound of cicadas, warm breeze, the green leaves covering the place above which I sit. To hold on to today and live it to the fullest. I will climb on my soapbox and preach to myself. Don't waste today worrying about tomorrow. Tomorrow will come regardless of whether or not I think about it. Might as well just make do with today and let tomorrow worry about itself.

Evie sleeps and I close my eyes...daydream of the loveliness of today and the beauty of the world with my sister in it. She is visiting, from a land far far away, and I'm just trying to soak in every minute. Days with her make the sweet days of summer even sweeter...

opposites

When God closes a door sometimes He closes the window and latches it tightly. A walk around the house reveals that every other window is latched tightly. During that walk around the house I trip on a rug and sprain my ankle. I hobble over to a chair and try to and make sense of what simply was going to be a visit with a friend....

This morning, I was blessed with a few moments to myself before the day began. God gently invited me to sit at His feet. I asked Him to encourage me..I have felt so worn and weary. He opened His word and showed me verses that described my wicked heart. "God has looked down from heaven upon the sons of men to see if there is anyone who understands, who seeks after God. Every one of them has turned aside; together they have become corrupt, there is no one who does good not even one." Psalm 53:2-3. Indirectly, they were encouragement I needed. For even when my body is worn my heart can rest and rejoice in the greatness of being saved from itself. I know it is truth, even when it does "feel" as marvelously true as I it is. I asked God to use these truths throughout the day to continue to teach me.

I do not understand God, and I never will. His ways are much higher than mine. I cannot decipher his workings with a mystery decoder ring.  I am simply asked to just trust and obey. To trust that God's love and forgiveness have washed over me and He has covered my sinful heart with His righteousness. To trust that His love is everlasting and He will never leave or forsake me. To trust that He is orchestrating the events of my life for my good and His glory. To trust that He is my portion and He is enough. Through that trust, I am called to obey. To obey with the joy and abandon of a child who rushes headlong into life fully trusting that her parents will take care of the necessaries. She need only live...and let someone else carry the worries.

"But as for me, I am like a green olive tree in the house of God; I trust in the lovingkindness of God forever and ever. I will give You thanks forever, because you have done it, and I will wait on Your name, for it is good,  in the presence of your godly ones." Psalms 52: 8-9

Mothers

There is something inside of me that melts every time I see that little face.

How sweet it was to be handed a card this morning with colored "words" on the left side that daddy had to translate into English on the right side. It made my heart skip a beat to read sweet things about being the best mommy ever. I don't know if I'm the best mommy ever...but I will spend my life trying. How I desire to proclaim God's love as I cook meals, clean up messes, change diapers, snuggle, clean up scraped knees, laugh and play.

I am blessed beyond words to have been raised and loved by a mother who selflessly serves. She lives her life in service to all those around her, asking nothing in return. I see in her heart a true greatness and beauty that cannot be measured by any earthly standard. She is a treasure and I am proud to call her my mother...and my friend.

Happy Mothers Day to you!

Legacy

Sometimes even the smallest of things can trigger memories...like this morning, at 4 am, as I was up with a sad little baby and brought a very stinky diaper outside to the garbage. I love the morning, maybe not quite so early, but being up early and breathing in the outside air brought me back....back to trips with Grandma when she woke us up by 4 so we could leave by 5 am. Watching her make egg or tuna salad (with olives-not my favorite), packing the car, praying and hitting the road. Before most people even opened their eyes, we were on our way. Lemon drops in the console, hymns on the radio, the water thermos, restaurant food, homeopathy to cure anything that ailed me...I loved those trips.

How I loved my Grandma...from my earliest memories of growing up at her house, the tablecloths, the basement full of toys, chocolate covered ice cream pops, the organ, watching her whip up batch of candied orange peels or a meal for 20...she was a strong woman.I remember her putting me down for naps and assuring her that I wasn't the least bit tired, but having her wake up me an hour later. I remember her sweet, flowery smell and her soft hands on my face. I also remember her being a little exasperated with me and wondering why...but as I watch my own little sweet girl move around like a tornado, I can fully understand. It's a wonder she didn't tie me to a chair!

I remember cake and ice cream after meeting to celebrate a birthday, the toys she kept in her purse to keep us busy during meeting, the sound of her voice as she sang, and the drawings of little forest creatures she would draw on scraps of paper. Listening to stories about Africa, the screenporch, melon salad and cake with lemon sauce, her sewing room, the flowery soaps in the downstairs bathroom at 321 and the feel of that carpet beneath my feet. If I close my eyes I can almost see the house and Grandma working in the kitchen...

Growing older and moving to Minnesota, we didn't see her as much, but I loved it when she, Grandpa and Aunt Joyce would visit. I remember feeling like a piece of my heart fell out when they left. I remember when Grandpa died and we all went back to Illinois for the funeral...watching Grandma fix Grandpa's hair and weep beside his casket. I don't remember her crying any other time really...

Living in Ohio for a few years during my 20's, I made several trips back to Illinois and always stayed with Grandma. Every time I had called to invite myself she would tell me that I was "as welcome as the sunshine." She made me feel that way. A cozy bed in the basement or the office, waking up to the smell of coffee cake and eggs, evenings of skip-bo amongst the flower garden on her deck and seeing her in her nightgown, her gnarled toes and her long hair braided to her waist as we all headed off to bed for the night. I always felt so happy there. 

A few years ago Grandma felt God was directing her to sell her home and move to Minnesota. Looking back, I can clearly see His hand in the story....despite the moments when she felt as if she doubted that. It was fun to have Grandma at our table for Sunday dinners, holidays and birthday parties again. I am so thankful that God gave us the joy of spending Grandma's last few years with her here. She wasn't a fan of the cold (who is?) but she made her home in a cozy little apartment with Joyce and their pet parakeet and busied about. Growing old was difficult for her...she fought for her health and her freedom. But, less than a year ago, it was necessary for her to move again...this time it was across the parking lot to Guardian Angels nursing home. I don't think she ever made peace with that...it wasn't her style to sit and not be the doer. A woman who had spent her life serving others wasn't happy in a chair, letting other people serve her. 

Evie and I loved our visits to see Grandma. Her face would light up and Evie would cuddle up in her lap...looking her necklace, asking to see her small stuffed kitties or they would just chat about things. They had a sweet bond and  I'm glad that the first 22 months of Evie's life were intertwined with moments in the arms of "Gate Neema." Evie's little smile breathed life into the little room and Grandma would forget all about the cares of the day for a while. And then, it would be time for Grandma to go to lunch. The nurse would wheel Grandma, with Evie perched on her lap, into the lunchroom. She sometimes talked about how nice it would be if we could stay and eat with her. Such good memories...

Last Friday, Evie and I made our final trip to see Grandma at the nursing home. She was so happy and Evie was being a pill. I think Grandma was a little concerned that her pretty things would be broken by my little tornado, but somehow we averted disaster. Evie rode down to lunch on Grandma's lap, she was the envy of all the other residents. Grandma saw the table set for 4 and asked us to stay, I wish we cold have...

This past Tuesday, Grandma was not feeling well and was brought to the hospital. She was very sick and ready to meet her Savior face to face. Joyce and I went to visit on Thursday afternoon to see her, hold her hand, tell her goodbye. Even in her bed, Grandma's face was still just as beautiful, her hair pulled back from her face so softly. Joyce and I held her hands and rubbed her shoulders. We told her we loved her and she told us that she loved us too and then she fell asleep. 

Grandma went home to be with Jesus moments later...peacefully.

Such an ache in my heart and yet such joy to know that she is whole and happy with her Lord. She is gone, but has left for me a legacy of faith and a lifetime of memories. 

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I am sorry for deserting you. The weather got really nice for a short while and I put my thoughts into my garden...working the soil, digging up lily bulbs, planting gladiolas, digging out my clematis. Then, the weather took a turn for the worse and winter returned. I've been wrapped up in a blanket counting my frustrations one by one ever since. Today, I broke free and went shopping. Retail therapy is good for me. I think I should try it more often. But, in the meanwhile (and as I save up for treatments), I think you and I should spend some more time together. You just sit there and take it all in...misspellings, poor grammar...how do you do it?

Thank you for always being there for me.

Love-
Floofie

lately

It has been a long winter here in the frozen north. A very long winter. So long, in fact, that we dumped out our piggy banks, used the $16.87 we collected to fill our gas tank and escaped town last Saturday. We simply could not help ourselves...we've had enough!

With our vast resources at our fingertips we decided to rent our own airplane. Andy's flight experience has consisted of 30 minutes in a 1940's era plane flying over the lovely city of Blaine. I've spent a few more hours in the sky, but couldn't see myself manning the controls with a busy toddler, so we rented a pilot too. The scenery was lovely as we headed west...the mountains...the lakes and rivers...the bustling towns. Our pilot  landed and we headed out to explore the land....

Well, so maybe didn't go west... we just drove a little south and went to the Bandana Square train museum. We had a fantastic time! I was amazed at the amount of detail they put into the displays. It made us feel as if we had escaped to another place for a while. Thank you, Lord, for little get-a-ways....

Andy's new, well not so new but more like recently revived, passion is model trains. He has transformed our humble downstairs guest room into a train-splosion- with a track that circles the room. It's still very much a guest room, in case you are needing a place to stay, but it's complete with entertainment now. No more counting spiders to fall asleep...now you can be lulled by the sound of tiny HO scale engines circling above your head. It's still a work in progress, but it looks really nice .It's been really fun to see Andy's creative side show up as he decorates his track. I will have to post some pictures when he is ready to show it off. Evie loves "tains" just like her daddy. When we see a real train she is very quick to point it out and shriek "toot toot!" Every day, when daddy gets home from work, they head downstairs to check up on things. Unfortunately, she loses interest in them pretty quickly and empties the bookshelf or storage closet.

Evie's new passions are making messes, getting in to things she should not be,carrying around as many purses and bags as her little arms can hold, smiling wildly, riding her tricycle and not taking naps. I think I was really used to her 3 hour sleep-a-thons and saved up all my to-dos for that time. I am needing to be more creative at figuring out ways to accomplish things while the little tornado whirls. She does enjoy cleaning with me and has recently been working to overcome her fear of the vacuum cleaner. I no longer have to hold her while the vacuum is on and she will willingly walk up and touch it. This is a big step.

She also likes to hoard. Her hidden treasures include: anything she can get her hands on. Andy calls her Templeton. We are hoping she grows out of this...

And me, well, I'm just trying to take life one day at a time. God has entrusted me with a precious family and a sickly body. I am trying to make the most of each, despite the fact that a sickly body can make each minute of a day feel like a deep dark hole. God is faithful and He has given me... the gift of a husband who faithfully and tenderly loves me in my weakness and my strengths, a daughter who makes my heart light (and my body tired-whew!) and wonderful family and friends who encourage and help me.

And so we're hoping that spring arrives in person...not just in name. In the meanwhile...I will dream of a place called Arkans-hot....

We put on our best "Evie" grins for the camera