two wheels and persistence

"Tell me a story, mommy," the little one said, "a story of you." We settled in together, her and I.  A cozy couch and a cool afternoon.

She is the image of me, the little me that once was five. Slight of frame with a head of nut brown hair, I look at her and recognize the features I once saw in the mirror. All wild and artsy and terribly clever. Determined. Persistent.

I pull a book from the shelf of my cerebral library, dust off the cover and page through to find a story worth telling. A story from 1982 when my dad wore bell bottoms and my mom's black hair was feathered back. When technology was the corded phone on our wall.  

"I remember the day I learned to ride a bike," I began and told of a pink Hufffy with a white banana seat. Hours of training wheels led to this moment of two wheels and me and the steadying hand of a grown up on the curved chrome handle behind the seat.  I peddled and they ran behind.  Faster and faster, until the legs of the grown-up with the steadying hand could not keep up. "I'm letting go," they panted and I felt a surge of joy. 

Down the street I flew, the voices of little friends cheering me on. It was tough to keep my wheel straight what with my feet on the metal pedals moving so fast they must have been a blur. The wind teased my short brown hair. I felt invincible. 

It has oft been quoted that "all good things must come to an end." My thrill ended in the gravel at the edge of the street where my right knee made contact. I felt it all through my body, the impact, the skin missing and gravel embedded in the raw, moist surface. There were tears and then the arms of my older sister. She lifted me and we made our way through the crowd of small people who had circled me with sympathy and curiosity. In my absence the crowd leaned to examine the small bits of rock for any terribly interesting fleshy material I might have left behind. 

Dr. Mother met us at the door of our apartment and started treatment. A tweezer lifted the gravel and my wound was doused with a fizzing, stinging flood of hydrogen peroxide before the band-aid was applied. Those plastic strips were like magic and a badge of honor all together. My wound was large so another sterile strip was applied. Two band-aids. This was serious. 

Slight of frame but sturdy in spirit, it didn't take long for my tears to dry. The huffy had to be mastered.  Out the door I went. I made sure to parade my battle scars and then, with bravado, slid back on to that white, banana seat and put my feet on the pedals.

The grown-up that had assisted in my inaugural run was no longer available. It was just me, and that bike. My courage waned slightly and the bend of my injured knee pulled the bandaids tightly against my raw wound. I took a deep breath. The children cheered my efforts.

Success was not swift. It was a process, the mastering, like most accomplishments are. Back on the bike, my feet on those pedals, all wobbly and wild. A few feet of forward motion and then…pavement. The process repeated itself frequently and it wasn’t long before the neighborhood kids tired of my efforts and headed off to play.

And then, I did it. My wild wobbly bike straightened some as I gained momentum. I gripped those handlebars with my scraped palms and cycled past the gravelly spot where I had left my knee skin, past the children and then back again.

It was a ride that ended when I slowed the bicycle and put my feet flat on the ground. I did not feel the pain of my injuries. I did not notice the missing bandaids. Victory was sweet and I savored it.

A little voice breaks in,”Were you okay, momma?” She is compassionate, picturing a small wounded person and wanting to help. The victory was lost on her just then.

It is a big story for a little person – the words between the words. That victory is often won in the suffering and perseverance. Character is shaped by experience. 

She sees me, little me. Wounded and bleeding and triumphant. My words painted a picture.

She sees me…me. The me that still wears the scar on my right knee from that first bike ride. The me that teaches her of life of how to live it. The me she watches plodding through the day to day and the busyness . The me that makes mistakes, and feels afraid and prays for God to redeem my failings.  

We finish the story and she has questions – nothing is lost on her. She inquires of the children, the wounds, and where was my helmet. She needs each piece, an entire puzzle put together one fact at a time. Then, she is satisfied.

I close the book and tuck it away. There will be another day. Another story.

different

"Who are you?" I ask the face in the mirror.

Grief is a transformative process. I have found it to be as visible as it is invisible. The heart cracks wide and sorrow pours out.

And the life that follows grief? As if you play a part in a show where everything changed and nobody told you. Strangely similar and vastly different. But people still need to eat; they always do.

I wear it. In lines where tears have carved their path. I smile and see where sorrow etched a story. These months look like years on my face. And the frame has thinned. I keep them shorter, my curls, so less can paint the picture of more.

I feel it. It wears like a heavy cloak. I can laugh and live and heal but I feel it.

I remember it. May 18th. A day of heightened sensations. Where, in the rush and the broken, my brain took a blow. Words are slower, memories escape. If one could describe dementia; this.

I walk it. This journey mapped out by grace. One piece of a family. A family of three who, quite differently, live the same story.

again

It is not new, the story of a day many days ago. Brought to life by the pressure of a contest deadline and a long-suffering husband. Late nights and sentences.

I try again. From life to prose, my simple days.

Titled and double-spaced. Letters knitted together into pictures. In an envelope and off into hands of those who know the craft of words.

Will they see it...the view from my page? I wonder all the while I wait.

What a surprise, then, to find an email from the contest chairperson. I read the words, a few of them. The ones that said "first place winner."

Read my words...and celebrate with me. (But don't critique my grammar...late nights and creative minds tend to overlook those things).

It was the way the sun shone- the air golden all around. Or perhaps the way the tree stood- full dressed in green. Together they painted a masterpiece on the sidewalk and she saw it. 

 I've always wondered the purpose of the walking paths in the parking lot of the local shopping center.  A burst of park like charm - lush, green grass and shrubs with tidy mulch skirts. A park with a cement path that goes nowhere in particular, unless one wanted to start at one random parking place and end at another. We took a stroll down one today.

 I parked our car in those spaces facing green- with purpose. My little companion was suffering the ill effects of auto motion while she cleverly designed doll clothes. I had reminded her, while on our way, that she should keep her eyes looking up and out the window. "But I just love making crafts," she said.  

 We exited the car and made our way to the lush grass. Sitting down together I held her on my lap and we breathed. And as the moments passed I watched her face; pale cheeks returned to color and dull eyes brightened. It was then that she saw it- the pavement beside us.

 "A path!" she cried and jumped to her feet."Come with me on a walk!"

I hesitated, my list heavy in my pocket, She danced around and the moment beckoned all of me. A little hand slipped into mine and we walked; I told her stories. Her laughter mingled with the honeyed air and I drank in the richness of this, here, now. 

 We walked to one side and turned around. Nearly to the end of our destination-less path, we were to pass a tree, its shadow stretched across the white trail ahead. "Let's play a game,"she said all of a sudden her eyes looking down. "Only step on the light."

 I had missed it, the bits of light that wove their way through the leaves and painted gold on the pavement. Grey and gold together as if splashed there. I marveled. How did I miss the radiance, see only shadow?  I stopped for a moment, my breath caught in my throat, and she tugged my arm. "Come on, mama."

We hopped across- our toes touching light. I felt it- a holy moment- where grace surrounds and life dissolves and all there is- this. The presence of God on the sidewalk in the gold tinted shade of a spring dressed tree. 

so much

For the full days of golden air and bird songs and sun-kissed skin, I celebrate. The warmth of it like a soft blanket in the cold. All beautiful and glorious. Medicine for my heart.

I find myself wordless in conversation but my mind is not silent. It replays significant moments and waits for my fingers to translate it into the tangible.

So much to say.

Of stories all mingled, expectation and the here and God's hands touching earth with heaven.

Last week, I said goodbye to hope. Not hope unseen, for that which I do not see is weighty and wonderful, but to a smallish tree framed by a kitchen window. A little tree with a large presence.

The space beside our new home has been a scene of progress. An empty lot has grown into an apartment building. The space around it bare. And then one day appeared man and machine and so much greenery. There it was, from dirt and rock to Sherwood forest in a manner of hours.

Planted there, a small oak, a larger maple, two tall birch trees and beside them conifers of every variety. Large and full and so close together. Dry ground infused with life. So much life. I wondered how this story would play out.

Small in stature but plumed with green, so stately, my little oak. The breeze tousled her leaves and squirrels visited her branches. So lovely, the view between the sharp greens of pines.

The sun was hot.  No one to nurture. She felt it, the life ebbing from her. Green became brown. Her whisper stilled.

The men returned and saw her plight. They tried. Her slender trunk wrapped in tubes and plastic, those moments when life hangs in the balance and with breath held...the waiting.

Tender and easily afflicted, a young oak in drought. Help came too late.

Arrayed in a halo of curled and tired leaves she refused her fate. A glimmer of life. One bright green leaf, undeterred by thirst or threat, danced alone.

She was radiant, even in her final days. So I cheered her on, giving name to her and the story she told. Hope.

It was a hot day when she left, dug from her resting spot and tossed carelessly aside. I watched anxiously from my window. Dirty hands around her slender trunk and a refuse truck and then, gone.

She was not replaced, her space filled in and left to be covered with a green blanket, little blades reaching up.  Not replaced and not forgotten.

^"and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls."   1 Peter 1: 6-8

dirt road

"The mind of man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Perspective. 

Life hasn't exactly gone as planned. Does it ever? If it did, I might wonder if I was actually living in the will of God. 

A little Evie and six years. Six beautiful years of life and laughter and wondering if God might have designed our family as a little group of three. Late last summer we were surprised by joy and the discovery of a new little life growing inside me. 

A storage locker filled to the brim and two years. Two years of memories made in small spaces and dreams of a little house down a dirt road to call home. 

God's plans were different. 

Six years of waiting ended on the sunny morning of May 18 when I birthed a beautiful little boy. A beautiful little boy with thick black hair who never breathed air before he met Jesus. Nine months of wiggles and hiccups and five hours in my arms.

Two years of waiting ended on May 7 when a strong and kindly crew of friends and family moved our earthly treasures into a little house in the city. A little house with a beautiful back yard.

God was not finished.

This morning finds me sleepless and staring out through the early morning light. I savor the silence of these early hours, they are mine. A fitting end to the last five days I've lived.

This week has been a story of its own, what with Evie's health and the challenges and adventures of street repairs all mingled in with the bitter taste of grief. Sleepless nights and Doctor visits and noisy trucks and a water main break and the pavement missing and so much dirt and...

Through my window God paints the world gold and opens my eyes to see it. Oh the irony, my dirt road.

wait

"Patience is a virtue. Waiting won't hurt you."

This, the old adage that I've heard many times in my years upon earth. Those childhood years where waiting seemed an eternity but how many times had I heard it "you've grown so fast!".

What did grown up people do to make the clock move to quickly? "Never enough time"

And so we wish away our childhoods in anticipation of the glories that wait ahead- the magic of grown up-ville. Where we can drive and pick our own bedtime and buy things for ourselves instead of waiting for Christmas or Birthdays.

Oh the beauty of waiting. Anticipation. Preparation. A gift we don't often take as one.

"Good things come to those who wait."

If truth be told, this way is often God's choice for me. And, after I put up a bit of a tussle with my emotions, I find that I am more often grateful for not being given my way. Impulsivity is a bully and the fruit of the wait is much sweeter.

Life is waiting. In the clutches of winter I long for the glories of spring. The sweet smell of soft earth and green life and golden air. And I will celebrate- again. For all of the springs I've experienced in 38 years of life, none will be so grand but the one in which I find myself.

"A watched pot never boils"

Life is waiting and what we choose in the waiting will determine the sweetness of the fruit.

target

Target. 

It is just a store. It is much more than just a store.

Last year we moved from our little house on a busy street in a pleasant community to a more rural setting. I rejoiced and I wept. 

I embrace change in theory but rarely in reality. 

It's often what we might at first resent that we find ourselves later grieving. For me, the conveniences of city living felt like wearing clothes that were a size too small. Here, in the amazing beauty of nature where a good drive lies between me and retail America, I smile at my foolishness. 

Let me clarify, it wasn't so much a choice of will as it was a necessity to pack up and go. Our little house held the memories of early marriage and a new baby and kindships and real life . God had preserved us month by month in that little dwelling through miraculous ways which defy understanding. We look back and marvel and in our wonderment are renewed in courage through faith in a God who is still accomplishing His purpose. 

But I still miss my Target.

Laugh if you will. Roll your eyes if you need too. I won't apologize for myself. 

It was on a trip to our "new" Target this morning that Evie sighed from the back seat,"I miss our old Target." I echoed her sentiment, grateful for the convenience of our new shoppings but certainly filled with the loss of the familiar. A whole year later.

It was within those "old" red and white walls that a significant piece of my life happened. It was my escape from a day home with a crying newborn and a failing body. It was the silent observer of many anxiety attacks- fellow shoppers wondering at the slow-moving, deep-breathing lady who pushed through to prove to herself that she was not going lose the fight. Through those doors I walked, suffering and dreaming and rejoicing and taking courage and fighting. The comfort of the familiar.

I'm stronger these days. Strong enough to look back and recognize the ordinary gifts that God made extraordinary to me in my days of struggle. For a season, it was mine- the blessing of that Target. A ordinary store and an extraordinary place, close enough yet far away from my front door, a place where I found a good supply of courage.