Legacy

Sometimes even the smallest of things can trigger memories...like this morning, at 4 am, as I was up with a sad little baby and brought a very stinky diaper outside to the garbage. I love the morning, maybe not quite so early, but being up early and breathing in the outside air brought me back....back to trips with Grandma when she woke us up by 4 so we could leave by 5 am. Watching her make egg or tuna salad (with olives-not my favorite), packing the car, praying and hitting the road. Before most people even opened their eyes, we were on our way. Lemon drops in the console, hymns on the radio, the water thermos, restaurant food, homeopathy to cure anything that ailed me...I loved those trips.

How I loved my Grandma...from my earliest memories of growing up at her house, the tablecloths, the basement full of toys, chocolate covered ice cream pops, the organ, watching her whip up batch of candied orange peels or a meal for 20...she was a strong woman.I remember her putting me down for naps and assuring her that I wasn't the least bit tired, but having her wake up me an hour later. I remember her sweet, flowery smell and her soft hands on my face. I also remember her being a little exasperated with me and wondering why...but as I watch my own little sweet girl move around like a tornado, I can fully understand. It's a wonder she didn't tie me to a chair!

I remember cake and ice cream after meeting to celebrate a birthday, the toys she kept in her purse to keep us busy during meeting, the sound of her voice as she sang, and the drawings of little forest creatures she would draw on scraps of paper. Listening to stories about Africa, the screenporch, melon salad and cake with lemon sauce, her sewing room, the flowery soaps in the downstairs bathroom at 321 and the feel of that carpet beneath my feet. If I close my eyes I can almost see the house and Grandma working in the kitchen...

Growing older and moving to Minnesota, we didn't see her as much, but I loved it when she, Grandpa and Aunt Joyce would visit. I remember feeling like a piece of my heart fell out when they left. I remember when Grandpa died and we all went back to Illinois for the funeral...watching Grandma fix Grandpa's hair and weep beside his casket. I don't remember her crying any other time really...

Living in Ohio for a few years during my 20's, I made several trips back to Illinois and always stayed with Grandma. Every time I had called to invite myself she would tell me that I was "as welcome as the sunshine." She made me feel that way. A cozy bed in the basement or the office, waking up to the smell of coffee cake and eggs, evenings of skip-bo amongst the flower garden on her deck and seeing her in her nightgown, her gnarled toes and her long hair braided to her waist as we all headed off to bed for the night. I always felt so happy there. 

A few years ago Grandma felt God was directing her to sell her home and move to Minnesota. Looking back, I can clearly see His hand in the story....despite the moments when she felt as if she doubted that. It was fun to have Grandma at our table for Sunday dinners, holidays and birthday parties again. I am so thankful that God gave us the joy of spending Grandma's last few years with her here. She wasn't a fan of the cold (who is?) but she made her home in a cozy little apartment with Joyce and their pet parakeet and busied about. Growing old was difficult for her...she fought for her health and her freedom. But, less than a year ago, it was necessary for her to move again...this time it was across the parking lot to Guardian Angels nursing home. I don't think she ever made peace with that...it wasn't her style to sit and not be the doer. A woman who had spent her life serving others wasn't happy in a chair, letting other people serve her. 

Evie and I loved our visits to see Grandma. Her face would light up and Evie would cuddle up in her lap...looking her necklace, asking to see her small stuffed kitties or they would just chat about things. They had a sweet bond and  I'm glad that the first 22 months of Evie's life were intertwined with moments in the arms of "Gate Neema." Evie's little smile breathed life into the little room and Grandma would forget all about the cares of the day for a while. And then, it would be time for Grandma to go to lunch. The nurse would wheel Grandma, with Evie perched on her lap, into the lunchroom. She sometimes talked about how nice it would be if we could stay and eat with her. Such good memories...

Last Friday, Evie and I made our final trip to see Grandma at the nursing home. She was so happy and Evie was being a pill. I think Grandma was a little concerned that her pretty things would be broken by my little tornado, but somehow we averted disaster. Evie rode down to lunch on Grandma's lap, she was the envy of all the other residents. Grandma saw the table set for 4 and asked us to stay, I wish we cold have...

This past Tuesday, Grandma was not feeling well and was brought to the hospital. She was very sick and ready to meet her Savior face to face. Joyce and I went to visit on Thursday afternoon to see her, hold her hand, tell her goodbye. Even in her bed, Grandma's face was still just as beautiful, her hair pulled back from her face so softly. Joyce and I held her hands and rubbed her shoulders. We told her we loved her and she told us that she loved us too and then she fell asleep. 

Grandma went home to be with Jesus moments later...peacefully.

Such an ache in my heart and yet such joy to know that she is whole and happy with her Lord. She is gone, but has left for me a legacy of faith and a lifetime of memories. 

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I am sorry for deserting you. The weather got really nice for a short while and I put my thoughts into my garden...working the soil, digging up lily bulbs, planting gladiolas, digging out my clematis. Then, the weather took a turn for the worse and winter returned. I've been wrapped up in a blanket counting my frustrations one by one ever since. Today, I broke free and went shopping. Retail therapy is good for me. I think I should try it more often. But, in the meanwhile (and as I save up for treatments), I think you and I should spend some more time together. You just sit there and take it all in...misspellings, poor grammar...how do you do it?

Thank you for always being there for me.

Love-
Floofie

lately

It has been a long winter here in the frozen north. A very long winter. So long, in fact, that we dumped out our piggy banks, used the $16.87 we collected to fill our gas tank and escaped town last Saturday. We simply could not help ourselves...we've had enough!

With our vast resources at our fingertips we decided to rent our own airplane. Andy's flight experience has consisted of 30 minutes in a 1940's era plane flying over the lovely city of Blaine. I've spent a few more hours in the sky, but couldn't see myself manning the controls with a busy toddler, so we rented a pilot too. The scenery was lovely as we headed west...the mountains...the lakes and rivers...the bustling towns. Our pilot  landed and we headed out to explore the land....

Well, so maybe didn't go west... we just drove a little south and went to the Bandana Square train museum. We had a fantastic time! I was amazed at the amount of detail they put into the displays. It made us feel as if we had escaped to another place for a while. Thank you, Lord, for little get-a-ways....

Andy's new, well not so new but more like recently revived, passion is model trains. He has transformed our humble downstairs guest room into a train-splosion- with a track that circles the room. It's still very much a guest room, in case you are needing a place to stay, but it's complete with entertainment now. No more counting spiders to fall asleep...now you can be lulled by the sound of tiny HO scale engines circling above your head. It's still a work in progress, but it looks really nice .It's been really fun to see Andy's creative side show up as he decorates his track. I will have to post some pictures when he is ready to show it off. Evie loves "tains" just like her daddy. When we see a real train she is very quick to point it out and shriek "toot toot!" Every day, when daddy gets home from work, they head downstairs to check up on things. Unfortunately, she loses interest in them pretty quickly and empties the bookshelf or storage closet.

Evie's new passions are making messes, getting in to things she should not be,carrying around as many purses and bags as her little arms can hold, smiling wildly, riding her tricycle and not taking naps. I think I was really used to her 3 hour sleep-a-thons and saved up all my to-dos for that time. I am needing to be more creative at figuring out ways to accomplish things while the little tornado whirls. She does enjoy cleaning with me and has recently been working to overcome her fear of the vacuum cleaner. I no longer have to hold her while the vacuum is on and she will willingly walk up and touch it. This is a big step.

She also likes to hoard. Her hidden treasures include: anything she can get her hands on. Andy calls her Templeton. We are hoping she grows out of this...

And me, well, I'm just trying to take life one day at a time. God has entrusted me with a precious family and a sickly body. I am trying to make the most of each, despite the fact that a sickly body can make each minute of a day feel like a deep dark hole. God is faithful and He has given me... the gift of a husband who faithfully and tenderly loves me in my weakness and my strengths, a daughter who makes my heart light (and my body tired-whew!) and wonderful family and friends who encourage and help me.

And so we're hoping that spring arrives in person...not just in name. In the meanwhile...I will dream of a place called Arkans-hot....

We put on our best "Evie" grins for the camera

nancy drew-itis

A good story is all I need...I have a good imagination and I'm not afraid to use it.

I have always loved a good book and through the years have found creative ways to incorporate a book in when I didn't like the alternative. I can remember reading "The Magic Kite" by flashlight while under a mound of covers at night. I think it was confiscated for a short while (during which I was dying to know what happened after they ran out of the magic glue!) and I might remember being told that I wasn't to read at night again, but I think I forgot it at the time. Homework was nicely spiced up by tucking a book somewhere close. It was very important to have a bookmark handy for these times- I had to work quick. And now, well, that basket of laundry can wait...

There are down sides to having a good imagination, though. "The Velveteen Rabbit" was a good read, but after it I was quite convinced that toys actually came alive at night. "Charlotte's Webb" made me believe that pigs, spiders and rats have real feelings. There were others too, which tugged at my heartstrings and opened my eyes...

Nancy Drew mysteries were my weakness. Once I opened the cover- I was hooked. No matter what the situation- she was perfect. No matter how scary or awful the mystery was- she could solve it. She always stayed perfectly calm, looked perfectly wonderful, drove the perfectly coolest car, could do anything more perfectly than anyone else...and through it all she escaped the bad guys and brought the mysteries to light. It's been a long time since I've opened the cover of a Nancy Drew mystery novel, and I really don't remember any of the mysteries she solved, but I still have Nancy Drew-itis. It's not a rare disorder...it just happens to go by other names too.

It seems logical to me that I should be able to tell my head that Nancy Drew is fictional. She's a relative of Betty Crocker. Her perfection is nothing more than a few good sounding words that somebody else dreamed up. But with those words, I've created a picture in my mind, for myself, that simply isn't...it isn't real, it isn't attainable. And yet, I strive...and stress...and ruin perfectly good things telling myself that "good" isn't "perfect." I will always disappoint myself.

A friend asked me to consider how I thought of myself...about the mistakes I thought God made when He created me. It sounds really sad to think of it that way...and yet, it's basically what I've been telling God and myself through my "need" for perfection. She challenged me to make a list of the gifts God has given me and to thank Him for them. It's a good place to start. I realize I need to figure out a healthy way to embrace God's design of me so that I can teach my daughter how wonderfully and marvelously He made her too. I can clearly see a masterpiece before my eyes in her...

My newest favorite books are biographies and other non-fiction stories. There seems to be more of a draw for me to see the inner workings of another person's heart and life instead of dreaming along with something that someone else thought up. Maybe it's time to pick up a little fiction and fire up my imagination...live in the moment, dream a little.

With book in hand she skipped off....

Haaa will be 2!

To Haaaa...
who patiently waited for me to be born and then cried with me when I entered the world
who showed me how to crawl, walk and eat
who shares her really cute clothes with me
whose pictures decorate my kitchen cupboard so I can see her sweet face every day
who gets a little scared when we play because I take all the toys
who I miss terribly because she lives so far away...

Happy Birthday to you my sweet cousin!
Love- Evie

grace

People are very interesting. We all have ideas, ways we do things, ways we think other people should do things...there are so many versions of "normal."

God is very creative....it intrigues me to think that He makes people in His image and yet we are all so vastly different- so interesting. 

I was one of those interesting people today. You know, one of those people you see as you are sitting at a stoplight and just happen to glance at the driver of the car beside you. I love to see what people do at stoplights...pick their nose, check their hair or makeup, stare straight ahead with both hands on the wheel. I was not doing any of those things- I was talking. I was talking out loud, with determination and conviction. I was doing a battle with the enemy. In the face of doubt, fear and discouragement I was proclaiming God's truths. God you are faithful! God you are sovereign! God you will not forsake me! God I can trust you! Sometimes the truth seems far more compelling if you speak it...throw it in the face of those doubts and fears.

I didn't even look beside me to see if I had an audience...but if I did, I'm sure it looked very entertaining. 

I had an experience with an interesting person, well a few persons, today. Evie and I made a stop at the local Salvation Army to check for bargains.Not much to be had today, although we were very impressed by the new layout. They could still use some help with pricing, but let's be patient...one improvement at a time. Our trip back to our car was much more exciting. A large pickup truck had parked behind me and a lady was standing beside my car staring at my bumper. She was pointing and talking to herself. Curious, and also because she was standing beside the door I needed to open to put Evie in her carseat, I came to see what the fuss was all about. There, pressing in my rear bumper, was a large hook thing from the front of the large truck. She muttered then waved for her husband to back up the car. Devoid of any expression, he stared straight ahead for a while before putting the car in drive and moving his truck (and my car) forward. Lots of arm waving now ( I think my arms might have waved too) and his truck stopped. It seemed a while before reverse was engaged and the giant hook was removed. The animated lady muttered about things being alright before licking her thumb and rubbing it over the dents in my bumper. She did not have magic thumbs (or spit) but thankfully, the bumper lost the large dimp and showed a few scratches. As I put Evie in her car seat, a fellow parking lot-ter came over to offer her assistance....how kind of her. I assured her we were fine...although I'm still not sure how true that is....

It's all those interesting things (and people) that can help make life laughable...laughter is a gift (and good medicine).

My mom has a saying on her fridge "people behave in a way that makes sense to them." How true that is...and perhaps a little convicting. God made us so different...and yet His love for us is unconditional and very much the same. It's easy to look at interesting people through my eyes and make judgements based on what I think. And that's where grace comes in...it's a one size fits all....

in the classroom of life...

Let's begin class with a pop quiz today...it's just one question- so answer carefully.

What is more challenging?
a) to experience suffering
b) to watch someone you love experience suffering
c) both a & b...at the same time
d) to eat green eggs and ham

I would venture to guess that this question either hits home with you right now or that you can very clearly recall a time you have already experienced this. (There is no right or wrong answer to this question...you passed the test)

I am lying on my couch today, thankful that my busy toddler is snug in her bed (filled to overflowing with stuffed animals...just as she likes it) fast asleep. It was a late night and an early morning for me so I'm sleepy today. Just as I laid my head on my pillow last night I was struck with a bad case of active-mind-itis which raged on until about 2:30 a.m.. This morning at 6:30, as the alarm sounded, I thought of how lovely it would be for that active-mind-itis to return and give me a little jolt to get up and out of bed. It didn't, but I still managed to pull myself out from under my snuggly covers to ready myself for the day (and the early test I had scheduled at the hospital). I did make it in time and ate a delicious bowl of radioactive eggs before snuggling up on a hard plastic table to lay still for 2 hours. It wasn't so bad- I made it. It's always after the test that gets me. "No side effects" means that I will probably feel awful for the rest of the day- which is proving true thus far.

It is really hard to watch someone that I love suffer. I think I've cried more tears for them then for me lately. I want to make it all better. But I can't...for the same God that allows my afflictions has allowed theirs. Rips my heart out...

My hope colored glasses fell off this morning...where did they go?